a couple of weeks ago, a friend asked me if he had schizophrenia. it wasn’t so much the question that was strange but his desperation for a “confirmation”.
given that i have a psychology degree and worked at the psych ward for a while (many many many years ago), i told him, “no, kelv. you don’t have schizophrenia”.
his expression changed, and his voice coupled with a hint of anger. “how can you say that? do you even know what schizophrenia is?”
“errr… yes…. and no, you do have schizophrenia.”
“yes i do”
“no you don’t”
“yes i do”
“no you don’t”
it went on for a quite a bit before he started getting really, really pissed off, which annoyed me no end. as it turned out, kelv spent hours googling on the subject and decided he must be one.
the problem i had with him wasn’t so much his stubborness but his eagerness to be a schizo. forget boring diagnoses like depression or anxiety disorder; he wanted schizophrenia. it’s less common, more obscure, and inevitably more “glamourous”.
and he’s not the only one. a friend’s friend wanted “multiple personality disorder” so much so that he nearly spoke in tongue to back up his “diagnosis” whenever i was around. in my absence, of course, he was just a regular guy.
then there was this dude who claimed to be a “recovering schizophrenic”. i would have believed him if he didn’t also tell me that his voices miraculously disappeared as soon as he came back to brunei. (forgot to ship your voices home?)
these are just a few of the people i have met over the years who can’t wait to jump on the “crazy” bandwagon. suddenly, being normal is not good enough. being able to wake up in the morning without feeling disappointed that they are alive is not good enough. being able to smile at simple, everyday things is not good enough. being able to sit still without fearing this invisible demon is going to reap their souls is most definitely not good enough.
to these people, it’s a matter of “if i don’t have it, fake it”. and since seeing a professional means risking not getting the desired diagnosis, i’ve relunctantly become their only hope. as long as i’m willing to play along, they can start their lives as whatever they choose to be.
i don’t deny that there are loads of people out there with genuine mental illnesses (myself included) who need talk therapy and/or medication just to function. in some cases, medication is most dreaded but necessary form of therapy.
i have gone off medication dozens of times before, and my best friend says it’s the scariest version of me she’s ever seen. as a bipolar, the depression bit is not too bad. but once i hit mania, there is no telling what i’m capable of doing or saying or thinking. i once bought over $100 worth of candles because i thought my room was too dark. this time last year, i saw my boss wagging his alien tail, waiting to abduct me. just a few months ago, i painted my ceiling black and the walls dark purple because the combo was “good feng shui”.
there’s really nothing glamourous about mental illness. while i don’t so much like my shrink as he has trouble understanding me, i need to be medicated so i won’t pull one of them bank account-emptying stunts again.
so to all crazy-wannabes, consider starting with something light such as mild depression and recurrent anxiety. and once your mind has adjusted to the new “abnormality”, move on to heavier stuff like major depression and paranoia personality disorder. with enough commitment, you may reach your ultimate goal – schizophrenia – and find yourself wrapped in a straitjacket and spoonfed a bucket of valium and anti-psychotic drugs.
‘i have cultivated my hysteria with delight and terror. now i suffer continually from vertigo, and today, 23rd of january, 1862, i have received a singular warning, i have felt the wind of the wing of madness pass over me’ – charles baudelaire
