I Cuss, Therefore I Am

if there’s one thing that i’m good at, it’s probably my ability to swear like a truck driver. i swear so much that my first words in the morning are usually “fucking hell!”, followed by “i fucking overslept again? damn it!” and pretty much from then on, i’ll be cussing like my life depends on it.

to me, swearing is the best way to inject enthusiasm into a remark. instead of the boring old “wow! that’s a lovely story”, ain’t it so much more exciting to say “what a fucking great story, that!”?

while some may think “fuck” is way overused, it is – nevertheless – an all-rounder swear word because it’s not only a noun (“get the fuck out of here!”) but an adverb (“that’s fucking ridiculous!), an exclamation (“fuck! what time is it?”), a negative command (“are you fucking with me?”), an infinitive (“don’t fuck up again”), and a finite verb (“you’ve fucked up again?”). it’s simply too good to be true.

you can also be creative by throwing in as many swear words as you can into a sentence, such as “fuck! do you fucking realise how fucking much of a fucking shit you’ve been, motherfucking fuckwit?” not only will you sound assertive, there’s even a hint of intimidation, which is perfect for petite girls and scrawny guys who have nothing else to fall back on.

and then, there is the much-needed sincerity for a friend in need. what good will “trust me. you are too good for him/her…’ do when there’s “fucking trust me, ok? you are too fucking good for that fucking shithead…”?

there are times, of course, when swearing is plain inadvisable. no, i don’t mean in a workplace; you shouldn’t do that at all. period. no, no, no. i mean those days when your mind doesn’t function quite as well and it’s painful to even think up a sentence, let alone say it out loud. it is simply pointless to throw in a few ‘fuck’s here and a couple ’shit’s there when “where is my pen?” has been reduced to “where is, like, my, errrr…., you know, pen, like?” unless entertaining the masses is what you’re after, i don’t suppose “where, fuck!, is, fucking like, my, errr… you know, shitty pen, motherfucking like?” is gonna get you more than a few raised eyebrows and coughs of disapproval.

to those who are new to swearing, chiprowe.com puts it quite simply:

…shit is an all-purpose word; cussers should use it when failing an exam or watching a favorite team cost you $20 by blowing a huge lead. However, if you use lose more than $20, that’s a fuck. If you’re dealing with the IRS, that might be a shit or a fuck, depending on who did your taxes; if you’re dealing with the FBI or ATF, that’s always a fuck. Among other cuss words, asshole is good for the boss or moron coworkers or in-laws, but motherfucker should be reserved for more weighty situations, such as when a mugger who shoots you even after you give him your wallet, or you realize you’re slipping off the edge of the Grand Canyon as you back up for a family photo. I hear motherfucker invoked for the simplest of transgressions, such as a foul during a basketball game. “Fuck you” will suffice, or maybe “What the hell?” Motherfucker is a fairly serious accusation…

and to those who feel their bad mouthing habit is a tad out of control, there’s always the book, “cuss control: the complete book on how to curb your cussing” by president of the cuss control academy james o’connor.

Picking Up The Pieces

when my bro broke my guitar last week, i thought, “it’s cool. i have the internet to keep me occupied.” if i knew my laptop would go on to kill *him*-self a couple of days later, i wouldn’t have been nearly as optimistic.

and *he* did just that.

my world crumbled right before my eyes and there was absolutely nothing i could do about it. i had no music, no internet, no life. i started to panic. i couldn’t think straight. what is one plus one? a guitar. where are the cats? looking for my laptop. should i watch tv instead? the shop must still be open at 1.48 am.

i never quite understand people who sleep on their problems because for me, it only worsens the mental state. the next day, i woke up, called my brother and probably said, “bro laptop dead god help me help me please help me.” a few hours later, we were at a computer shop. i pointed at the first laptop that i saw and waved my… *ahem*… my bro’s credit card at the dude and said, “swipe it, damn it, just swipe it. i need my life back!“

i still don’t have a guitar yet, but at least i now have a new compaq laptop to my name. well, at least it will be mine in 18 months’ time. ain’t SCB’s easy pay the greatest invention? ever?

 

Choice Of Axe: What It Says About You

1. dean powder puff zee: if you’re a girl, you probably have a huge collection of teddy bears and barbie dolls. if you’re a guy, you probably have a huge collection of teddy bears and barbie dolls.

2. ibanez tripleneck: the indecisive and the multipersonality disordered.

3. bc rich by j frog: jaws fans or loan sharks. or jaws fans-turned-loan sharks due largely to the movies who also happen to play the guitar.

4. gundam beam-rifle: people who seek the play the theme song the RIGHT way.

5. steve licata’s solid stainless steel: despise your bandmates much?

6. air guitar by air guitarists: need i say more?

All I Want…

… is to wake up to $50 million tomorrow, so i could fly to the united states and buy this baby right here.

for those of you who play the guitar: no, you’re not mistaken. it is a left-handed taylor 314ce, and it’s mine.

to r&al, jazzmoney, fumikane and uncle yusop, you can have this:

Supernatural: The Big Mystery

assuming that ghosts, like humans, come in different races, could a crucifix do much damage to a chinese ghost? if you apply malay exorcism on a vampire, would he understand? would a flying head stop in its track because you’re wearing a buddha pendant? would an indian demon laugh at you when you threw garlic at it? or would rice be better?

what if the ghost were a malay-chinese mix? would you then have to exorcise half of it with a malay ritual, and the other half; chinese? would there be enough time?

the more worrying scenario is encountering a supernatural being that was so mixed race that even it had no idea what it was. then what? run? throw a kitchen sink at it in the hopes it would work, somehow? show it a “v” sign and say “i come in peace”?

Going Meatless Amid Ayamku Frenzy

yes, i’m a vegetarian and have been for the past five years.

the reason? a bad, bad dream.

soon after the nightmare, which i don’t remember anymore,  i told my family that i would no longer eat meat. at first, they took it lightly. after all, i had made strange announcements before, such as “i will leave for london tomorrow and join the anti-war protest” and “i’ve found my calling; i have to save the world from coke cans”.

so, my mom decided to play along until she found books on vegetarism on the mail a few weeks later. suddenly, it wasn’t funny anymore. then, there was speculation that her only daughter had joined a cult.

fast forward those crazy years of protesting that “there’s no such thing as a vegetarian church of satan, mom”, i’ve reached THE year. unless i had been a vegetarian my whole life, or had not once affectionately called chicken “my soul food”,  the fifth year wouldn’t be much of a big deal.

year 5 is the time when most converts like me relapse. year 5 is when we think obsessively about that old familiar taste of KFC, beef burger, fish, steak, steak and steak.

to keep me from relapsing, i have found the perfect getaway: linda mccartney shepherd’s pie. it’s sold at supasave beribi and it’s “supa” expensive ($6.30). but it’s so tasty that it makes me forget momentarily my craving for chicken wings.  so, kudos to supasave. you guys sure cater to us veggie converts

Brunei For Dummies

If you’re looking for information on Brunei Darussalam, you’ve come to the wrong place. Not only am I not at all fluent – though trying very, very hard to speak – in the national language, Malay, I didn’t even know 84.245834% of the tourist attractions in the country… until two days ago.

To say I intentionally researched into the local tourism industry will be downright dishonest on my part. As a sub-editor, not only do I have to edit news stories every day, I’m also given one to two articles each year to go through for the yearbook. This year’s topics: tourism and insurance.

So, when I received the tourism piece from the reporters, I was dumbfounded. Eight pages long? Really? As I went through the list, I was feeling increasingly embarassed. Where have I been all these years? Living under a rock?

Oil and Gas Discovery Centre. Never been there.

Tasek Merimbun. Is that in Tutong or Belait?

Sultan Omar Ali Saifuddien Mosque. Err… I’ve seen it dozens of times while I’m shopping at Yayasan…

Wasai Kandal. ???

Ulu Temburong National Park. I planned on going there; that’s gotta count for something, right?

Err… maybe not.

So, instead of asking for a week off work to tour Brunei, I have decided on a more doable resolution: I must not flash my yellow IC like a badge of honour until I quit saying “malas ku ingau” whenever someone asks why I can’t speak Malay; and instead reply, “me salah”.

Is It Me Or…

… is the connection really slow these days?

Speak Easy

my best friend said recently that she wanted to simplify her vocabulary. further. i thought it was just another random announcement that was not meant to be taken seriously… until i received her text message the following day, which said: “iya i go swim wit the dolphins now n hopin want catch the big fish one time…”

come again?

first of all, our vocabulary is already bad enough as it is. now, we are, like, gonna, you know, make it badder, like? if history were to repeat itself (read this entry for a better idea), a language game like this would inevitably turn into a full-blown addiction.

so, on top of all the crappy words – “like”, “you know”, “whatever” – that we are already shoving into our sentences like nobody’s business, we will soon trade dialogues such as:

“hey. see that dude over there. he’s, like, soooo thinking he’s ‘it’.”

“ya man.”

for something like this:

“aiya. see the guy over there, ah. he think he, like, hot stuff, you know?”

“ya loh. what he thinking also i don’t know?”

to say i’m terrified of my impending fate is an understatement. i can almost see myself flashing all my certs – from primary school to high school to bachelor’s to masters – whenever my speech is less than mediocre. every time i begin a sentence with “you know what, ah?”, i will have to follow it with a string of big words. no, not “thesaurus” big; more “confuse them before they think you stupid” BIG.

after much extensive research on english literature – shakespeare and poe, really – i have found a one-liner that is not only applicable to the common “how are you?” and the less asked “what is your take on the current global political climate?”, but its obscurity gives you time to run away before all the “like”s, “whatever”s, “you know”s, “aiya”s catch up to you.

so, to all who suffer deteriorating vocabulary, let us all say: “floccinaucinihilipilification”.

Forget South Beach Diet

me don’t like veggies. me don’t like fruits. me like walkers cheese & onion. me cannot get enough of it. me can eat this for the rest of me life…