if there’s one thing that i’m good at, it’s probably my ability to swear like a truck driver. i swear so much that my first words in the morning are usually “fucking hell!”, followed by “i fucking overslept again? damn it!” and pretty much from then on, i’ll be cussing like my life depends on it.

to me, swearing is the best way to inject enthusiasm into a remark. instead of the boring old “wow! that’s a lovely story”, ain’t it so much more exciting to say “what a fucking great story, that!”?

while some may think “fuck” is way overused, it is – nevertheless – an all-rounder swear word because it’s not only a noun (“get the fuck out of here!”) but an adverb (“that’s fucking ridiculous!), an exclamation (“fuck! what time is it?”), a negative command (“are you fucking with me?”), an infinitive (“don’t fuck up again”), and a finite verb (“you’ve fucked up again?”). it’s simply too good to be true.

you can also be creative by throwing in as many swear words as you can into a sentence, such as “fuck! do you fucking realise how fucking much of a fucking shit you’ve been, motherfucking fuckwit?” not only will you sound assertive, there’s even a hint of intimidation, which is perfect for petite girls and scrawny guys who have nothing else to fall back on.

and then, there is the much-needed sincerity for a friend in need. what good will “trust me. you are too good for him/her…’ do when there’s “fucking trust me, ok? you are too fucking good for that fucking shithead…”?

there are times, of course, when swearing is plain inadvisable. no, i don’t mean in a workplace; you shouldn’t do that at all. period. no, no, no. i mean those days when your mind doesn’t function quite as well and it’s painful to even think up a sentence, let alone say it out loud. it is simply pointless to throw in a few ‘fuck’s here and a couple ’shit’s there when “where is my pen?” has been reduced to “where is, like, my, errrr…., you know, pen, like?” unless entertaining the masses is what you’re after, i don’t suppose “where, fuck!, is, fucking like, my, errr… you know, shitty pen, motherfucking like?” is gonna get you more than a few raised eyebrows and coughs of disapproval.

to those who are new to swearing, chiprowe.com puts it quite simply:

…shit is an all-purpose word; cussers should use it when failing an exam or watching a favorite team cost you $20 by blowing a huge lead. However, if you use lose more than $20, that’s a fuck. If you’re dealing with the IRS, that might be a shit or a fuck, depending on who did your taxes; if you’re dealing with the FBI or ATF, that’s always a fuck. Among other cuss words, asshole is good for the boss or moron coworkers or in-laws, but motherfucker should be reserved for more weighty situations, such as when a mugger who shoots you even after you give him your wallet, or you realize you’re slipping off the edge of the Grand Canyon as you back up for a family photo. I hear motherfucker invoked for the simplest of transgressions, such as a foul during a basketball game. “Fuck you” will suffice, or maybe “What the hell?” Motherfucker is a fairly serious accusation…

and to those who feel their bad mouthing habit is a tad out of control, there’s always the book, “cuss control: the complete book on how to curb your cussing” by president of the cuss control academy james o’connor.