What’s With ‘Today’ Today?

lately, it seems everyone is going through some changes in life. what’s up with these past few months, anyway? is there a mystical explanation as to why we are faced with such ultimatum all at the same time? take the old familiar road or the one less travelled?

death card comes to mind when i think of our little situation. in tarot, death is not all sinister, unlike what most people think. it’s about sacrificing “your old world, your old self… it is the only way to be reborn. a new sun is rising, and it is… a time of great transformation”.

while a part of my life is falling into place, another part is crumbling before my eyes. i’m more sentiment than i let on. so, leaving a part of myself in favour of new beginnings – whatever that means – is frightening.

i’ve been reading tarot for others who are seeking an answer or a guide or something. funny that, cos on top of being a non-believer, i feel it’s better not to know than to know. it’s all about distraction, after all; confronting my problems doesn’t mesh well with the masterplan i’ve devised to distant myself from myself.

while running away has always worked well for me, i wonder if i should carry on like this. sure, it’s a wonderful way to cope, to pretend nothing is wrong. life goes on… yada, yada, yada… but sooner or later, anyone is bound to reach a stage where the mind says, “i can’t take this shit anymore. now go fuck yourself!”

i’m scared… but i guess it’s time to grow up…

And The Reason Is…

as an atheist, it’s hard for me to buy into the whole destiny, fate and other terms that everyone uses to explain the unexplainable. but lately, my life has been working itself out, and i’m starting to wonder if things really happened for a reason.

i can’t remember the exactly date, but roughly three months ago, i had this strange feeling that i’d be met with a big change, for better or worse. prior to that day, i had been going through the motion quite a bit; i was – for the lack of a better word – fucked. i didn’t know who i was anymore, or what i was supposed to do next, or why i was doing what i was doing. i knew i was lost but i moved along anyway, ignoring the numbness that was growing inside.

when my bro took me to singapore for a short break, i took the chance to get my 7th tattoo. instead, we stumbled upon house of rock, where a band brought down the house with dozens of covers including my beloved iron maiden and metallica. then i hit me: i love rock music. i was once in a band and loving it. but instead, i had been hopping from one social group to another, engaging in conversations i barely understood and pretending so desperately that i was one of them. i hardly picked up the guitar, except to play oasis songs for entertainment purposes.

soon after the singapore trip, “my people” started to come back to my life, one by one; and i met a couple more rockers along the way. i began to remember who i once was – a simple girl who just wanted to write a good song.

i have a long way to go before i can say: i’m back. but the glass is always half full, ain’t it?

Cemetery Gates

it’s my birthday today. two hours before august 18, i felt the urge to see my grandparents, who passed on years ago. there’s something beautiful and peaceful about cemeteries. it’s dark… it’s quiet; and completely devoid of daily bullshit that is life.

i must have spent an hour at their graves, telling them all that was on my mind. it was comforting to know that they had loved me unconditionally. i miss their smiles. i miss the way they looked at me, like i was worth something, that i was good enough.

and i cried.

Too Lazy To Blog…

… so instead, have this…

Fuel – Hemorrhage (In My Hands)

Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find
Was there something you left behind
Don’t you remember anything I said when I said

Chorus
Don’t fall away
And leave me to myself
Don’t fall away
And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands again
And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands
Love lies bleeding

Oh, hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you’ve left to go
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries

Chorus

And I wanted
You turned away
You don’t remember
But I do
You never even tried

Chorus