CNY Without The Bang

i know it’s too soon to say, since chinese new year only starts tomorrow. but i have a feeling it’s gonna be bloody uneventful. i’m so cynical that a) i didn’t shop for new clothes, b) i was half-hearted about spring cleaning, and c) the living room is still a mess.

maybe it has something to do with age – the older you get, the less you are inclined to celebrate anything.

i sure hope it wouldn’t be as mundane this year. so, whoever is capable of surprising me, surprise me within the next 15 days.

and to all CNY celebrants, happy new year

#@*($*&%*

my mom has been stressing the hell outta me in the past few days. first it was installing wooden flooring in my room, when i was perfectly fine with my cyan carpet. then, it was the inability to get rid of the carpet because according to her, “it might come in handy someday”. and since it’s too big to squeeze into the store room, it’s been right outside my room the whole time. no one is allowed to move it; no one dares. if i’m so stressed that i feel like my head is gonna explode anytime now, she’s in a worse shape.

then there is the *thing* at work. i found out on thursday that i still have 40 days of leave to clear from 2006 and 2007. woo hoo! but of course, my lady boss is onto me. boo hoo….

in times like these, i usually just wanna abandon my social life and head on home… except this huge wardrobe parked in the middle of my living room. it’s so big that it cuts the room into half, blocking the view of me and my bro’s rooms. so whenever one of us comes out to grab a smoke, the other person will get a scare. and whoever is having a smoke can’t also watch tv; the wardrobe is not a see-through, you see.

thus, my quality of life has decreased significantly, since the installment of wooden tiles. who to blame? i’d say the person who invented wooden tiles…

87 Pounds Of Happiness

my best friend lyn announced last night that her new year’s resolution for 2008 – like those in the previous years – is to lose respectable amount of weight. she figures that since guys go for skinny chicks, then being skinny is the ultimate way of attracting their attention.

it got me thinking how common it is among us girls to believe that skinny equals beautiful. “lose weight and secure yourself a boyfriend” for the single. or “how are you gonna squeeze into the wedding gown if you don’t start dieting now?” for brides-to-be. or “better not let yourself go or your hubby is gonna cheat on you” for the married.

the truth is, our ideal is probably screwed. my college best buddy chris, for one, has always preferred girls with “a bit of meat”. same goes for my brother who finds it a turn-on when her girlfriend attacks a massive plate of pasta like a savage beast. and thousands upon millions upon billions of guys out there who hate the skinny, or at least that’s what i’ve been told.

so, now the questions become: why do we measure ourselves against celebrities of tinseltown? is the media to blame for making 87-pound stick figures look so damn glamorous? or are we to blame for mistaking skinniness for guaranteed popularity?

I Heart Facebook!

so there you have it. i’ve finally blogged after one month of absence. the reason… FACEBOOK!!!

lately, i’ve been heavily into scrabulous, thanks to r&al. since then, i’ve been challenging whoever cares to entertain me… well, i hope more people do, cos i’m so hooked on that darn game. i need at least a fix every hour!!!

anyway, gotta go. need to get back on da game

Show Me A Sign

according to tarot.com,

“it might feel as if you are running out of time, but it’s just the pressure of the moon in your sign heralding the start of a new emotional cycle. you have been reviewing recent history during the past six weeks as venus retrograded into proud leo. now it’s time to move forward again, so let go of any fear associated with the end of what’s passing. it’s time to step into your future”.

i don’t know why i’ve been so obsessed with horoscope. perhaps it’s comforting to know that whatever i’m going through has everything to do with the alignment of the planets, the sun and the moon, instead of – yikes! – me.

there is truth to “let go of any fear associated with the end of what’s passing” as i’m one of those people who holds on to the past. maybe it is time to let go and forge forward, armed with nothing but leo’s optimism.

speaking of which, what are your star signs?

You’re Crazy. You’re Beautiful.

after watching crazy/beautiful again last week, i couldn’t quite get this song “to be free” by emiliana torrini outta my head.

but if it’s so good being free, would you mind telling me why i don’t know what to do with myself?

what can i say? i’m a sucker for simple yet meaningful lyrics

Once in a house on a hill
A boy got angry
He broke into my heart

For a day and a night
I stayed beside him
Until I had no hope

So I came down the hill
Of course I was hurt
But then I started to think

It shouldn’t hurt me to be free
It’s what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it’s so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don’t know what to do with myself

There’s a bar by the dock
Where I found myself
Drinking with this man
He offered me a cigarette
And I accepted
‘Cause it’s been a very long time
As it burned ’till the end
I thought of the boy
No one could ever forget

It shouldn’t hurt me to be free
It’s what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it’s so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don’t know what to do with myself

To pull myself together
But if it’s so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don’t know what to do with myself

To pull myself together
But if it’s so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don’t know what to do with myself

What’s With ‘Today’ Today?

lately, it seems everyone is going through some changes in life. what’s up with these past few months, anyway? is there a mystical explanation as to why we are faced with such ultimatum all at the same time? take the old familiar road or the one less travelled?

death card comes to mind when i think of our little situation. in tarot, death is not all sinister, unlike what most people think. it’s about sacrificing “your old world, your old self… it is the only way to be reborn. a new sun is rising, and it is… a time of great transformation”.

while a part of my life is falling into place, another part is crumbling before my eyes. i’m more sentiment than i let on. so, leaving a part of myself in favour of new beginnings – whatever that means – is frightening.

i’ve been reading tarot for others who are seeking an answer or a guide or something. funny that, cos on top of being a non-believer, i feel it’s better not to know than to know. it’s all about distraction, after all; confronting my problems doesn’t mesh well with the masterplan i’ve devised to distant myself from myself.

while running away has always worked well for me, i wonder if i should carry on like this. sure, it’s a wonderful way to cope, to pretend nothing is wrong. life goes on… yada, yada, yada… but sooner or later, anyone is bound to reach a stage where the mind says, “i can’t take this shit anymore. now go fuck yourself!”

i’m scared… but i guess it’s time to grow up…

And The Reason Is…

as an atheist, it’s hard for me to buy into the whole destiny, fate and other terms that everyone uses to explain the unexplainable. but lately, my life has been working itself out, and i’m starting to wonder if things really happened for a reason.

i can’t remember the exactly date, but roughly three months ago, i had this strange feeling that i’d be met with a big change, for better or worse. prior to that day, i had been going through the motion quite a bit; i was – for the lack of a better word – fucked. i didn’t know who i was anymore, or what i was supposed to do next, or why i was doing what i was doing. i knew i was lost but i moved along anyway, ignoring the numbness that was growing inside.

when my bro took me to singapore for a short break, i took the chance to get my 7th tattoo. instead, we stumbled upon house of rock, where a band brought down the house with dozens of covers including my beloved iron maiden and metallica. then i hit me: i love rock music. i was once in a band and loving it. but instead, i had been hopping from one social group to another, engaging in conversations i barely understood and pretending so desperately that i was one of them. i hardly picked up the guitar, except to play oasis songs for entertainment purposes.

soon after the singapore trip, “my people” started to come back to my life, one by one; and i met a couple more rockers along the way. i began to remember who i once was – a simple girl who just wanted to write a good song.

i have a long way to go before i can say: i’m back. but the glass is always half full, ain’t it?

Cemetery Gates

it’s my birthday today. two hours before august 18, i felt the urge to see my grandparents, who passed on years ago. there’s something beautiful and peaceful about cemeteries. it’s dark… it’s quiet; and completely devoid of daily bullshit that is life.

i must have spent an hour at their graves, telling them all that was on my mind. it was comforting to know that they had loved me unconditionally. i miss their smiles. i miss the way they looked at me, like i was worth something, that i was good enough.

and i cried.

Too Lazy To Blog…

… so instead, have this…

Fuel – Hemorrhage (In My Hands)

Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find
Was there something you left behind
Don’t you remember anything I said when I said

Chorus
Don’t fall away
And leave me to myself
Don’t fall away
And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands again
And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands
Love lies bleeding

Oh, hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you’ve left to go
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries

Chorus

And I wanted
You turned away
You don’t remember
But I do
You never even tried

Chorus